Confession

It’s my turn. All of my life and before my own choosing, I have been selfless. I never wanted to be perceived as the God-awful selfish person that we are taught to despise.  I have been understanding and helpful. I said yes when I really wanted to say no; this occurred more often than I care to count. I have gone places or was invited primarily because I’ve always been the friend with a car.  Not to say that those in need of transportation did not love me or genuinely want me around; it just didn’t hurt to invite the girl with the flexible social calendar out to play. 

I babysat relatives when I was a child myself. I spent over 8 years in Human Resources which was the epitome of a character building experience…actually there a few other analogies and adjectives that I could assign to that role but I will spare you.  I’ve always held customer-service oriented jobs which mandate that you emote a high degree of selflessness consistently and at all times. No one feels like being nice all of the time.  I’ve been with my present employer for my entire adulthood.  Which means that I’ve endured everything human while maintaining a job and having to demonstrate a high degree of empathy, personal conduct, professionalism and business decorum despite whatever was going on with me and my life.

I’ve encountered and endured devastating breakups. I had relatives and loved ones pass away and I had to remain normal when I felt as if my world had been shattered; when it felt as if my heart had been dragged and stomped upon.  When I was miles away from my family and friends; when I was learning life lessons through hard decisions and learning how to accept the consequences when I failed to make good choices.  I dropped out and re-enrolled in college too many times to count before earning my degree.  I made irresponsible financial decisions and I had to learn the earth/shattering/humbling lesson of budgeting and not spending money that I did not have (still mastering this but I’m much better than I was!) 

I’ve matured through the phase of wanting people to like me as I tried to fully understand who I was.  I lived my life on an unreasonable pedestal at times and I have been much harder on myself than anyone has ever been on or towards me. 

I’ve been to the club. I’ve been to this Happy Hour, that party, social event; living in New York for over 8 years, I have met lots of people who know lots of people…some of whom are famous or almost famous.  I’ve been to the opera. I’ve seen shows on and off Broadway. I’ve been to Fashion Week; eaten at just about all of the recognized eateries in New York.  I’ve stayed up well past my bedtime many times.  I’ve partied in all of the boroughs.    I’ve done some pretty cool stuff and I’m happy about what I’ve been privileged to do; to be exposed to; to meet and experience since moving to New York. Now, I’m no bumpkin; I am from Chicago so I didn’t live a “sleepy hollow” existence prior to moving here.  

It’s time to trade in my dancing shoes, Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s time to get off of the merry-go-round. As the old saying goes, “a Lady always knows when to leave.” Like a pair of shoes, I have tried on the “Sex and The City” lifestyle (not completely) but in a similar fashion (pun intended.)  And I’m good today. There is more to life than drinking $15 cocktails; struggling to wear at least one designer label every day; it’s not about filling my days with “stuff”anymore. Today, I hold a higher emphasis on the quality of my life versus the quantity. Pleasing me is a daily habit/goal.  Instead of spending my free time on my phone, I try to work on my self-development and improvement.  I accept that I don’t know everything and if I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’ll keep getting what I’ve always gotten.  

It’s about me and it’s about time. This is not to say that I no longer care or have room to care about everyone else, because I do.  I just have to give from a different place that has nothing to do with codependency or lack.  

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